As I am approaching my 34 marking point, I feel the importance to share what this almost-to-be-done year has taught me. I also feel moved to support those who are at the front lines fighting for the accessibility and rights to choose abortion, freely and without judjment. I am asking all my friends to consider donating to this cause even if during these challenging pandemic times it means a single dollar. Please, repost and share as you please to help spread the word. It goes a long way! So many women without financial ability can’t afford to even consider such an option. All the money will go to Planned Parenthood Action who tirelessly fight for our rights.
Meanwhile, here’s my story.
When I turned 33, I felt it’d be a big year for me. I knew my transition into “civilian” life would happen. I’ve got accepted into an art school which made me feel excited even though apprehended at the same time for such a sweeping change to go through. Change always has these two faces, hasn’t it?.. Well.. Life has it and human nature within it too..
The fact is, it’s not easy to reclaim your own body. It’s not bread and butter to untangle the shameful body image from the depth of your little inner girl’s perception, and it’s definitely not a jam to accept your own life and dreams and aspirations as worthy ones when you have a positive pregnancy test in your hands and your heart is splitting in two..
In that bathroom, when I saw it first by myself, it brought a smile onto my face, for that split moment my nature felt a triumph. The years of doubt for my ability were let go with relief. Yet, by the time I made it to the living room where my beloved was waiting, I was in shock and then -- in tears. I felt lost. For a couple of weeks we gave ourselves time to live with the possibility of starting a family then. From day to day we were dreaming, crying, dreaming more, in cyclical loop torturing selves. I was praying to one clear single answer yet I felt nothing but torn apart. I could see so clearly our family within our extended families, I could feel the happiness bursting out of those visions, I imagined how my parents would be ecstatic to get an opportunity to meet the little one, what my mom dreamed for years.. Yet.. Here I was, ending my secure federal job and stepping into a student not-so-secure phase. Still, a change I was awaiting for years to come, to me -- it was like waiting for the first fresh breath of air after a cave isolation, it was big. To finish the Furniture program while pregnant and breastfeeding was not a possibility due to health hazards and noise exposure. And so here I was, at an intersection that was life-defining for my future..
I chose myself.
I wouldn’t be able to go through the severity of abortion without the support of Ivan. He was there all the way through. Exactly at the time of procedure and right after he was able to stay home with me and take care of me. I am blessed to be loved by Him.
Although we all have very unique stories, I believe we share something deeper and darker that exists within this life event. In the hardest of moments I felt grief and sadness and guilt that were beyond me. I am sharing my story for all my Sisters out there who went through it. I See you. I Hear you. I Love you.
The video artwork is the voice that I chose to give to myself and hopefully it could empower others to do the same in their own way.