On May 18th, 2019, I will be running the Boston Marathon route. I’m doing this to raise money for a safe house - The Second Step - that helped save me, and also in hope that it helps me personally heal more. This marathon will be one I am running alone, a lot like the marathon of healing is. Just over a year and a half out of an abusive toxic marriage and I find I’m still giving him power. But this May, I am going to think of one situation at each mile that still makes me upset, and as the mile passes, to leave that situation on the road - not allow it to emotionally hurt me anymore.
Please help me support and raise money for The Second Step, so women after me can heal as well. Here are the miles and what I will leave on the Boston course:
Mile 1 - Mile 1 is dedicated to what you made me believe when I first met you. I think about the life you promised me, and I feel tricked. I trusted those lies and handed you my heart. I won’t let that have power over me past mile 1.
Mile 2 - Mile 2 is dedicated to your first heroin overdose in our marriage. We were only married for four months, and I was three months pregnant. As I stood at your bedside in the ICU, your mother called your siblings and family members and blamed me. “If she made better sandwiches this wouldn’t have happened,” she told the family. I wasn’t a good enough wife, that’s why you were lying there. When I reacted to her hurting me like that, your family called me crazy. I won’t let that have power over me past mile 2.
Mile 3 - Mile 3 is dedicated to the safe pregnancy with our first child that you stole from me. You never gave me a safe house to live in, a nursery to decorate. My first pregnancy was spent in a shelter because of your drug use, and how unsafe and toxic you made our place. You stole that pregnancy from me. I won’t give that power past mile 3.
Mile 4 - Mile 4 is dedicated to the way you got me pregnant with our second. After I had voiced how I wanted to wait until you got back onto your feet and I wanted to wait for a while. You stole my power of choice that night. You stole a trust that is supposed to be in a marriage. I won’t give it power past mile 4.
Mile 5 – this one is for the Fourth of July with your family in New York. I yelled at your family for not helping with your behavior. I yelled at your dad and I yelled at your mom. I told them all what you were doing. Your family called me crazy instead of seeing the pain you were causing, and never helped me. I won’t give that power after mile 5.
Mile 6 - is dedicated to your dad. You were using again and hadn’t come home and I didn’t know where you were. I was pregnant with an infant with no car and very little food. I asked him for help again. He found you at a neighbor’s. Believed you and called me crazy again. As if I should have known where you were. I won’t give him power past mile 6.
Mile 7 - is for the feeling I had as I packed our car up with anything I could fit into it, our son and my dog. I would drive over 500 miles back to MA not knowing where we were going to live yet. You had gotten physically violent the night before. You were stealing another safe normal pregnancy from me. I won’t give this power past mile 7.
Mile 8 - is for you spending all your money on drugs instead of paying the storage fee. I was in a safe house, homeless with your infant pregnant. It was the only bill you were responsible for. I lost every single belonging my family had saved for me for years. I’m leaving that pain at mile 8.
Mile 9 - Mile 9 I’m giving to you showing up to our daughter’s birth high. Falling asleep through the labor, and then leaving an hour after she was born to go get more drugs. You never asked if I needed a nap or helped. You stole that labor from me. I’m leaving that at mile 9.
Mile 10 - Mile 10 is dedicated to the time when I was living in a safe house with a newborn and a one year-old, when you called all of your family members, some of mine, and all of my church friends and told them I was diagnosed with different mental illnesses. None of it was true, and I still hear different stories about me. You did this behind my back. You stole my support. I’m leaving that with mile 10.
Mile 11 - I’m giving mile 11 to all your family members to whom I consistently had to prove I wasn’t crazy. Who never saw the abuse you were doing, and the fact that I was raising your kids alone in a safe house. To the family I married into that never accepted me, you guys have mile 11.
Mile 12 - Mile 12 is for the third time you overdosed. I was still living in a safe house and instead of calling me, you called my bishop, and you told him that it was my fault. I had to sit with your newborn and one year-old son alone, and try to figure out how I did this when I was living alone in a safe house. Mile 12 is where that will stay.
Mile 13 - Mile 13 is for the fight you got into with me in Boston. I had used all my money to take a bus and train to come see you, so your kids could see you. You knew I had no way home. You left the three of us there and gave me the finger as you were leaving. My dad had to leave work and come bring us back. You stole safety from us again that night. I’m leaving that with mile 13.
Mile 14 - I’m running mile 14 for my oldest son. You were only present for one birthday, and you were high. You will never understand the feeling of being a mother and not being able to give him two parents. I’m leaving that at mile 14.
Mile 15 - I’m running mile 15 for how stupid I feel still to this day for thinking you would be the person you promised, and going back to you. You stole my heart. I’m taking it back at mile 15.
Mile 16 - I’m dedicating mile 16 to our next door neighbor, the one you had slept with. You failed to mention it, and introduced us. She became a friend until the guilt broke her. You then blamed me for the cheating. I was always worse. I’m leaving her at mile 16.
Mile 17 - I’m running mile 17 for the letters you never wrote your family. The ones you promised, to explain your lies. I’m done waiting for letters at mile 17.
Mile 18 - I’m dedicating mile 18 for when you got physical over me asking about bills. I told your sister and our bishop. After things died down, you told them I was crazy. I’m not thinking of that fight past mile 18.
Mile 19 - I’m dedicating mile 19 to being pregnant for a 3rd time, and the false hope of a family, the false hope of a normal supported pregnancy, to the false hope of you showing me what a husband is. I leave all that with 19.
Mile 20 - I’m running mile 20 for the detoxes I had to bring you to with a round belly and two babies. Still dealing with your family not thinking I’m supporting you. I’m leaving that with mile 20.
Mile 21 - I’m dedicating mile 21 to the pure panic of when you were first checked into the hospital. Our youngest was two weeks old, and I had a 2 and 3 year-old, and knew that I was alone. All the false hope of you getting better and loving me - that is staying at 21.
Mile 22 - I’m running mile 22 for when you were in the hospital and tried to kill yourself several times, and you blamed me. I will not read those messages anymore. I was home with all three of your babies waiting for you. I will never wait again past mile 22.
Mile 23 - I’m running mile 23 for your dad. I was only months out of labor, had no job yet, and was now a single mom of three - and he claimed that I was actually the crazy one, not you. I’m not thinking about him past mile 23.
Mile 24 - I’m running mile 24 for the woman you slept with while in the hospital. When I cried about this you told me I had done worse, and then proceeded to tell your friends and our family about my faults. She stays at mile 24.
Mile 25 - Mile 25 is dedicated to your family. The family who never saw how safe I kept your kids, how well I was raising them, who never got to know me. Mile 25 I won’t care anymore about what you guys think.
Mile 26 - I’m running mile 26 for the restraining order you broke, and the fear you placed on me. I won’t be scared past mile 26.
Mile 26.2 - I’m running this for ME because I have lasted and survived the marathon of you, and I get to have me back.