For the last 5 years of my life, I felt as if I was alone. I soon realized I wasn’t when I reached out for help. I went to many places where I met teens just like me, going though what I was. These places helped me get control of my life and overcome my own mind. I was fortunate enough to be able to afford the cost the cost of facilities that helped me win my battle. You have the ability to be apart of someone else’s story and help them fight their battle. Fighting a mental illness is one of the hardest battles, it is a disorder & not a decision. Imagine constantly fighting a battle in your own head that you can not escape nor cope with. If you can’t imagine it, take a minute and read my story below, this is the bare minimum of what all people fighting mental illness are going through.
Here is my story...Sometimes we get so far into things we eventually don’t remember how to get back out. That’s how I ended up with an eating disorder. It started off as one thing, a cold turkey diet and the desire to be skinny. And then it progressively became another thing. It became addicting. It was all I knew at one point. I feel like I’m letting people down or that they’re angry at me. But little did I know, there’s a voice inside my head telling me that, the voice is making me look at life through the devils eyes, or at least i’m telling myself it’s making me. This voice over powers my own thoughts. And it is the same voice that told me not to eat. That voice welcomed me with open arms. I believed that voice could protect me. I thought it would protect me. I let that voice in my head not only “protect me”, but it took over me completely. This voice told me I was not good enough. The voice told me that my self-worth depended completely on my size. It reminded me of how horrible I was. The voice told me that if I didn’t eat I would be better. That if lost more weight I would feel better. It told me that the only way people would show some interest in me is if I didn’t eat as much. The voice made sure I went to the gym at least twice or maybe even three times a day. The voice in my head was taking care of everything. I felt safe and that I had everything under control for once. When times got harder that’s when the voice got louder. If I had a bad day it just reminded me that I’d feel better after I starved myself for a bit. If I felt something wasn’t quite right, then losing some more weight would solve the issue. Except the voice failed to mention that I would be cold all the time. It didn’t tell me that I would become light headed and dizzy. It never told me how tired I’d be or how unbalanced my emotions would become. It didn’t tell me that I would lose my friends or disappoint my family. It never said that my heart would have an extra beat and my chest would hurt when I breathe. It never told me I was going to faint. It never said I would end up in the hospital. It never told me it was trying to kill me. It never said I would become irritated easily. It also didn’t say how easily I get bruised up my arms and down my legs or that my body was eating away at itself. Yet, despite all these things, I felt I needed to starve myself a little bit more. At that point, I already knew something wasn’t quite right. When people tried to help me or ask me how I was doing, that voice always told me to say I’m fine. Maybe it was because the voice told me I was not thin enough to have an eating disorder. Maybe it was because it told me I had to be independent & tackle this all on my own. I tried to drop hints every now and then that I was hurting, but I was too scared to use my voice. I wanted to tell someone but I didn’t know who. I was afraid of how they’d react. That voice told me people would think I was just asking for attention, or that I was over reacting. I didn’t mean to have an eating disorder. I didn’t ask for it. I never wanted it. I meant no harm when this came about. I just wanted to be the best I that I could be and look the best I could look. My eating disorder went too far with me and I went too far with it & now I just ended up hurting myself along the way.