Hello fellow friends and family! We are a misfit cast of flying-mammalian & feline-loving parents who work hard during the day to provide food and shelter for our kids. However, unbeknownst to many, once the lights go down and our kids go to sleep, we are actually fighting crime at night much like the PJ Masks show (don't ask me how I know who they are).
What sort of crimes you may ask? Well, here is our current manifesto we are dedicated to solving in no particular order:
- DOOR-TO-DOOR SOLICITORS - Because nobody wants to be bothered in the middle of the day to add solar panels. What's worse, some of us ALREADY have solar panels installed but the solicitors never bother looking on our roofs before they knock very passive/aggressively.
Also, solicitors who ask for donations for charity firefighters/police/veterans groups. While we love those who dedicate themselves to public service, we never really know where the money actually goes. Not knowing this gives us the creeps!
- CHINESE SOLICITATION CALLS - We've all received these calls thinking we've been meticulously chosen (because we're special??) and suddenly won a free 7-day RiverCruise down the Yangtze River in China only to discover we must wire $1,000 to an unknown bank in Occupied Tibet. Who knew China is now the new Nigeria?
Finally, aren't all the Mandarin speakers out there sick of their co-workers, friends, clients, and complete strangers asking them to translate those repeated voicemails by now?
ANTI-VAXXERS - There's nothing more annoying than a self-proclaimed "know-it-all" who thinks they know more than you do based on their "hours of research" on the Internet. In the meantime, measles infections are now at a record high due to their ignorance, fear and paranoia. In order to combat anti-vaxxers (who we conclude are the most gullible folks in America), we will create counter memes, or ANTI-anti-vaxxer memes.
- Last but not least, COMPLACENCY (from our kids) - I know, it's tough living SoCal, but not just any SoCal neighborhood...we're unabashedly referring to the Westside where the air quality is better, the temperature is milder and kale smoothies are a daily requirement, lest you want to be glared at from the self-righteous Millenials or Yoga parents from Whole Foods—or even worse—Erewhon. Unfortunately, this comes at a hidden costs beyond just the beach tax.
Yes, Complacency is that hidden cost, that silent soul-killer that creeps up on us like global warming or the erosion of the beloved Palisades cliffs. By living in the Westside, our parents' tactic of scaring the bejeezus out of us growing up is now suddenly ineffective when we try them on our own kids.
While these are definitely First-World-Problems we all know they are REAL PROBLEMS that cause all Westside parents undue stress. The recent college admission scandal is Exhibit A in terms of how Complacency can drive crazy, rich entitled parents to commit criminal acts.
Remember, acknowledgement and admittance of Complacency is Step 1 on the road to recovery. Only together can we combat this dreadful silent Westside killer!
If you consider any of the above an egregious crime, please join us in our fight for justice. While we may not have all the answers right away, your funding and moral support will go a long way in correcting these social ills. Also, for every donation you make, you get to exercise your 1st amendment rights of voicing your own opinions of other social ills we should be fighting. If our team deems it worthy enough, we just might add your list of stated crimes to our platform!